My most favorite time of the year is Christmas. I love the decorations, the lights, the presents, the food, the time off work, the shopping, the music....but most of all I love celebrating Jesus. I love the candlelight service at church. I love getting together with our families and sharing memories. This year I will be honest...I was out of it and didn't shop early, wasn't feeling very jolly at all, and was not wanting to do much at all. I was feeling very scrooge like, and I could not shake it for the life of me!!
This year I will admit I was semi depressed (well actually I was full blown depressed and it was dragging me down like none other!). To be completely honest, I was feeling worse and worse over the last few months and I hit rock bottom about a week ago! I sometimes wonder if God gave me these last three months of feeling depression just to be able to understand that it is most definitely not a choice. I will fully admit that I have always been one of those people against taking medication for depression, and one of those people that argued..."What do you have to be depressed about..you are blessed...suck it up," I was wrong. While I still don't think on any level that taking depression pills is a good answer, I am fully aware and in agreement that Depression sucks major balls, and it is definitely not a choice or something that just goes away. Over the last few months I have cried uncontrollably, I have lost all energy, gained a ridiculous amount of weight, isolated myself from people I love, and just felt like I wanted to be invisible in one moment, and like I was desperate for some attention in the next. It has made me crazy.
I went the doctor after talking to a friend and sure enough his answer was medication. I picked it up and it's been a week and a half, and I haven't taken a single one. Partly because I am against it, and I refuse to submit to that, and partly because I'm scared , but mainly because I'm stubborn as hell! After I left the doctors office I cried uncontrollably for awhile and I prayed. Once of those raw all out there prayers you do on your knees in your restroom amongst sobs and pleas of pain, and fear and complete surrender. I asked God to please please please help me. To do something and change something in me so I wouldn't have to take pills. I don't want to feel like this any more, I want to be me again....so I asked and he answered. I wiped my tears and sat down and made a plan. I though through our home life and our finances and our jobs and our habits and I made some life decisions that I am hoping will get me back on track. My answer was organization, meal planning, budgeting, but most importantly putting God first in all of it and letting him lead me out of my depression.
I'm not waiting until the new year to start..I'm gunna start now...I'm gunna work on getting closer to God to building a relationship with him that will fill all my needs so that I am not living seeking that fulfillment in someone or something else. It's hard and there will be moments of desperation so please encourage me, help me and most importunately pray for me and those around me.
I told you that tid bit of personal information because being honest and open about what I feel is helping me get past it. So, I did it for me (not sympathy or excuses), but mainly I did it because the purpose of this blog for me has always been to track our lives for my girls. So that as they grow up and become wives, and mothers and women, they can look back on this and relive memories, and reminisce in moments that they had somehow forgotten, and most importantly so they can have a journal to fall back on when they feel alone and like no one understands, and remember that we have been through many trials and obstacles but we have overcome them all and this is just another one. I want them to understand why I have been so crazy the last few months and I want to warn them that it may happen to them and if it does...they too will overcome it and things will be ok.
I don't want to only journal our good times, I want this to capture the good times and the bad. I want this to be a life lesson, that things like this happen to everyone and while God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. (I actually bought a sign for my restroom that read this - and seeing it every day helps!). If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it so do't give up o anything or anyone!
Ok - now that I have shared that...let's get back to Christmas.
On Christmas Eve, I woke up early and did the last of my "last minute" shopping to finish our stick of gifts. We wrapped, showered, got ready and while Danny was at work, the girls and I went to church from 12 - 6:30 to serve at all the Christmas Eve services. This made my momma heart so happy! The Ramirez family came out to service, and brought Karena and Ava too.....then we stayed and served for 3 more services. Makaila, Izzy, and I greeted and handed out candles and did offering and we spent our day in the house of God celebrating the true meaning of Christmas which is honoring a God who loves us so much he had a son and gave that son for our sins, and then came back from the dead to live in and through us every day.
Danny went home at about 10 since he had to work Christmas day too....so the girls and I stayed late and helped pack and clean up! We finally headed home at about 2 am. We got home and the girls were asleep instantly..I decided to stay up and finishing wrapping things, and setting up for Santa to come. Santa came by and dropped off the girls gifts, and by then it was already 3:45, so I stayed up until Danny woke up for work at 4:15 and while he started his routine I got ready and we woke the girls up at 4:30 to open their Christmas gifts with him before he left to work!
Santa brought Makaila a new I-Phone and Isabella got a new play kitchen!!! They were both loving Santa this morning. They got several other things from us that were on their wish lists but nothing too crazy. Danny bought me some new boots, Makaila bought me a scarf and a cute sign, and Izzy gave me a coupon book. I loved it all, and I was happy to see everyone else be happy too! But by this time I was dog tired...so Danny left to work and the girls and I went to bed! We woke up later that afternoon, got ready and loaded up to head to Tony and Sam's for the Annual Salas Family Christmas.
Saturday we woke up leisurely and did some laundry and general pick up. At about 3 we headed over to Sergio's house to make discada. We hung out and chit chatted for awhile, then I went and met Teresea at the movies to see Sisters. It was cute. I am glad I got to spend a little time with her because we hardly see each other anymore! I went back to Sergio's after the movie and hung out with the Castaneda's and Danny and Sergio for a good while. Finally at about 2 am we headed home and went straight to bed!
On Sunday morning I went to church alone. Danny and Issy stayed asleep, so I headed to church alone adn enjoyed it tremendously. It was Dr. Lowery and I just love it when he is in town. My notes were as follows:
* The older you get - your fat and your body become friends.
* Attitude can be your best friend or your worst enemy.
* God has a strategy that works in every situation
How to be Up in a Down world?
* D - the dumb things you do
* O - Other people do dumb things too!
* W - the world (It's a ponzi scheme)
* N - negative (we want what we cant have)
How do you handle attitude when all these things challenge you?
* What you tell yourself most times is not true (the truth will set you free ~ believe what God can do for you)
* When you are stressed and have a bad attitude its because your focused on the end result (thinking you can control it)! Take the far look and relax because God is in control.
You don't reap where you sow...you reap where God chooses to bless you!
* Don't let the jerks of the world control your happiness or put the keys to your joy in someone else's pocket.
* Decide to live a life of praise!!!
After church I came home and folded laundry, watched the football game, and then Dan took us to T-Bone Tom's in Kemah for lunch. It was delicious!!
We made a couple pit stops at Target and Ernie's before heading home. We made it back home and I did more laundry and then I watched 'The Intern', which was a cute movie. Danny I watched the church service online in bed again, and then called it night!
Our year has come to a good end and in a couple days 2016 will be here....I think I am ready...I'll do the last post for 2015 as a recap of our year and then Cross my fingers that I get back into the swing of weekly blog updates for 2016!!
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